I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
