just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think my fart just growled at me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
