Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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