Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
