woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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