This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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