so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
