I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
