Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
