I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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