Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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