wanna go halves on a baby?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
