thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
