she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
