shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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