So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
