Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
