just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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