I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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