3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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