Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
