I murdered the dance floor call the cops
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
