just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
