You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
