she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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