i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Found the puke drawer
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
