His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
