Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
