I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
