I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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