My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
