bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
