You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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