First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
