he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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