we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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