god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
