I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
