If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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