I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
