My room smells like vodka and shame
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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