I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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