I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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