I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
