I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
