i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
