when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
