My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
