I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your penis caused this!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
