ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
