that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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